Free Now
by Anastasia1043
Summary: Tumblr prompt from anon: What if Rae would have told everyone about her illness at the debrief because she wanted to talk about how Tix was in the hospital?
1. Free Now

Prompt from _anon_: What if Rae would have told everyone about her illness at the debrief because she wanted to talk about how Tix was in the hospital?

The title comes from the Sleeping With Sirens song "Free Now". I couldn't find an entirely appropriate song but I thought this one fit all right. (I like to get ideas from my iTunes library and/or title with songs that fit).

* * *

Rae walked into the chippy with a somber expression. Last night didn't go as it was supposed to. Not only were Finn and Chloe not supposed to kiss but she completely forgot about Tixie. The same Tixie who collapsed the night before and is now lying is a hospital bed, attached to machines, knowing that Rae forgot about her.

She stared at the ground as she made her way to the table holding the gang sans Izzy. Dropping her pack from her shoulder she set it on the floor and slumped into the seat.

"How you feeling, Rae?" Archie to her right asked her.

"I- Like shit. How about you lot?" she looked around the table trying not to stop at Finn. But whilst Finn was the object of her affection, her thoughts screamed with how much a failure and shit friend she was to poor Tixie.

Finn, Chop, and Archie grunted in response whilst Chloe gave an enthusiastic "Great!"

Rae resisted the urge to roll her eyes, but only barely. She noticed Chop's usually magnificently blue eyes dull and sad. She recalled him telling her about loving Izzy and later seeing her sucking scumbag Kendo's face. She gave him a sympathetic look.

Her head still raged with images of Tixie and how she wished she could take back everything she did last night to make Tixie wake up.

She'd made up her mind. She'll tell them. She wanted someone besides Kester to talk to about it and she worried of how Chloe would react in response if she told solely her.

"Guys…" she started timidly, unable to look at them. Instead she fiddled with her hands beneath the table in her lap.

"Yeah?" It was Chop that responded, suddenly looking concerned. He noticed there was something wrong in her voice.

"I- I want to tell you something. I just don't want you to hate me when I tell you." Finn's curiosity was piqued, his normal broody expression turned into interested and slightly fearful. What's so bad that they would hate her?

"Rae!" Chloe's eyes were wide. "Are you sure?" She sounded genuinely concerned.

Rae could only give her a sad nod in return. Taking a deep breath she started slowly.

"Do you guys remember when Chloe thought I was in France the past four months when I was in the car with my mum?" The guys nodded. "Well…I'd never gone to France. Hell, I've never left the country before." She had to stop to take another deep breath to calm her nerves. "I'd actually been in a mental home the whole time. My mum was driving me home from picking me up; I was just released."

She couldn't look at them but she noticed Chloe's hand slowly move towards hers sitting upon the table. She glanced at Chloe giving her a grateful smile that she returned and nodded with encouragement for her to continue.

"I kept trying to hurt myself. And one day when my mum was working the night shift I just snapped. I don't really know what caused it or why but I just lost it." She shook her head as a few silent tears streaked down her face.

"Your- your legs then?" It was the first thing Finn had spoken to her this morning. She risked a glance at him and nodded her head.

"Yeah. Mum found me bleeding on my bedroom floor when she got home. I had already lost consciousness by then. I was checked into the mental home right after I was released from the hospital for the wounds."

"Rae…" Chop's voice cracked from the other side of a dumbfounded Archie. "We could never hate you. We're just so fucking glad you're here."

He swiftly got up and pulled Rae out of her seat into a tight hug soon joined by Archie as Chloe looked on with a watery smile. Finn still sat in his seat just staring at her expressionless, still trying to process the information, fists clenched so much his knuckles were white.

"I'm getting better though. I see my therapist every week. And being accepted and friends with you guys has helped a hell of a lot."

Her thoughts then shot to Tixie's face. She sniffled and wiped her eyes.

"But that's not all."

"What?" Chloe was surprised because that had been Rae told her before during the night of the Oasis gig.

"I didn't tell you about Tixie. She's my best friend from the hospital. She's got a few problems but her main one is her eating disorder. Kester, my therapist, had set up a dinner for the two of us and Danny last night. She was doing to try and eat."

"Danny? The bloke from the party?" Finn asked.

"Yeah." Rae gave a laugh and rolled her eyes. "Danny-Two-Hats. He's from the hospital as well."

"Your ex-boyfriend." Finn voice was slightly edgy.

Rae laughed again, "No, we never dated." Finn let out a quiet sigh of relief, looking at the ceiling before turning back to her.

"But you were with us last night, Rae." Chop's input got Rae back on track with her story.

"Right. I forgot about the dinner and went to the rave." She looked down at her hands again. "I'm a selfish bitch," she muttered unconsciously.

"What? No, Rae. You're anything but selfish," Archie admonished from beside her, thinking of how she's keeping his secret.

"I really am. I got so caught up with fighting with my mum and the rave I completely forgot about the dinner." Rae choked back a sob as the continued, "Kester called me this morning telling me Tixie collapsed last night. She's in a coma."

"Oh, Rae!" Chloe grabbed her into a hug as Rae's body shook with sobs.

"I just really need someone besides Kester to talk to about it. I'm tired of carrying this backpack of bullshit around. I'm so tired of secrets. And now my best friend's in a coma. She wouldn't be if I'd not gone to the fucking rave."

Finn stood for the first time since she came in and grabbed his jacket. "C'mon, Rae." He began walking towards the door, grabbing her backpack as he passed motioning her with his head to follow.

Rae just stood there as Chloe sat back down. "What? What are you doing?"

"We're going to the hospital. You haven't been there to see Tixie yet, have you? So we're going to go check on her." He motioned again but by reaching his hand out for Rae's.

"What about the debrief?" She asked.

"Fuck the debrief, Rae." Archie said, now behind her. "Go see Tixie." Chop and Chloe nodded, agreeing with him.

Finn's hand was still outstretched for hers. "C'mon," he said again. "We're going to take the scooter."

Rae's hand shook as she reached for his. Finn smiled at her as he clasped his hand around hers and walked them out of the chippy.


	2. Keep Holding On

Title is Falling in Reverse song "Keep Holding On." (NOT the Avril Lavigne one).

* * *

Rae's heart was conflicted. Finn was holding her hand, pulling her along to the scooter parked in front of the chippy. Yesterday she would have been thrilled to be touching him at all. Today she felt sick to her stomach for thinking of herself again instead of Tixie. She also wasn't sure about the situation with Finn and Chloe and she didn't want to hurt her, even though she has many a time shattered Rae's character.

Right now is about Tixie. Tixie is more important than Rae. Everyone was more important than Rae.

"Here, put this on," Finn said handing her his helmet.

She looked at the scooter. "Where's yours?"

"I don't have the spare. I left it at home this morning before coming to the chippy." He was acting nonchalant, like he couldn't die from an accident. Like her weight off-balancing the scooter around a turn could send shooting them underneath a lorry but he'd be perfectly fine.

"No!" she said loudly. "Not unless you have a helmet on!"

"Get on the fucking scooter, Rae!" Now _he_ was shouting.

"I'm not going to let you die, too, Finn!" she yelled.

Finn stopped breathing. They stared at each other dangerously before Finn put her bag down and went back into the chippy.

Rae squeezed her eyes shut as if trying to erase the past few minutes from her memories. Fuck, she'd ruined another friendship. She took a deep breath and opened her eyes.

She flexed her fingers before reaching down to collect her bag. Once upon her shoulder, she turned in the direction of the hospital. It's about an hour's walk from her house and she was already twenty minutes in the opposite direction. Well, it is fitness. She squared her shoulders and began walking. Rae was a few meters away from the scooter when she heard the jingling of keys.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?"

Finn.

"I- I thought you went back in," she said confused.

"Yeah, so I could get Chop's keys. Now c'mon," he pointed in the direction of Chop's car.

Thank god. Rae really wasn't up for that walk, but she'd do it for Tixie. The idea of the car was faster and much more appreciated.

The car ride was silent for the most part. Chop's music selection for his car was rather shite but luckily Rae found the mixtape Finn made for the Oasis gig. Neither of them even cracked a smile when Spaceman came on, the polar opposite of when they were in Finn's bedroom.

Rae sighed quietly. She needed to see Tixie; she needed to know she would be all right. But she can't forgive herself for what she did. Was Tix going to hate her? She put her face in her hands, ashamed.

"It's going to be okay, Rae. Tixie'll wake up soon," Finn said softly.

Rae jumped when she felt his hand on her back.

"S- sorry," Finn muttered jerking his hand away.

Rae shook her head. "No, it just startled me. Don't worry about it."

It was awkward. Less than 24 hours ago it was Finn's house that Rae went to when she fought with her mum, not Chloe's… so why is it so awkward now they can't even talk?

Finn kissed Chloe.

Rae growled at herself. It's Tix she needed to focus on, not her own selfish jealousy towards Finn and Chloe. They shouldn't matter. At least see Tix first.

Half an hour later Finn parked the car in the lot and shut off the engine. He looked over at an unmoving Rae.

Rae didn't speak but shook her head.

"Rae, it'll be okay. You can see her, talk to her. I heard that people in comas-" Rae flinched. "Sorry. I- I heard that they can still hear people. Maybe give it a try."

"I can't. She's going to hate me. I'm the reason she's in hospital. I've ruined everything," Rae whispered hoarsely as tears threatened to fall.

Finn responded by getting out of the car, walking over to Rae's side and opening her door. He put out his hand for her to grab and she looked at it uncertain.

"Let's go see Tixie," he said.

Rae shakily put her hand in his for the second time today. When she was standing up beside the car she released Finn's hand reluctantly and swiped at her pants as if to rid them of dust.

"Let's do this," she said to Finn who grinned in response.

"Do you know where to go?" he asked her.

She nodded. "ICU."

His breath caught in his throat. That was where he'd last seen his nan. But he needed to be there for Rae.

Finn followed beside her as they walked, her pace gradually slowing as they got closer and closer to the front doors until she stopped completely. Finn reached out and put his hands on her shoulders, moving so he was standing in front of her, eye-to-eye.

"Listen to me, Rachel," he said sternly. "We are going to go in there and see Tixie. You don't have to talk to her if you don't want to. You are going to hate yourself even more if you don't see her and you know it. I am going to be there with you until you tell me to leave, okay?"

She nodded.

"Oh god," Rae said coming to a realization.

"What?"

"Your nan," she whispered.

Finn nodded sadly before responding. "This is about you, not me. Now let's go."

"Are you sure, Finn?"

"Yes," he said sounding more sure than he was.

Rae gave him a weak smile before she started back towards the doors. They walked up to reception window where Rae was greeted by a middle-aged lady in scrubs.

"Hiya, Rae-honey. I take it you're here to see Tixie?"

"Finn, too," Rae said pointing behind her.

"Sure thing, sweetheart. She's in room 221B. Take the lift up, third room on the left opposite of the lift."

Rae walked to the lift with her arms hugging her middle. She felt herself beginning to shake; her whole body being taken over, relinquishing any control. Whilst she could feel it, Finn couldn't see it. She was hiding her hands from him.

The lift dinged, startling Rae. When the doors opened Rae's shaking became more prevalent, enough for Finn to notice this time. He grabbed her arms lightly and pulled her out of the lift in the opposite direction of where Tixie's room was.

"Rae. Rae, look at me," he said softly.

Her eyes found his quickly.

"Breathe," he said rubbing his hands up and down Rae's arms slowly. "Breathe."

Rae concentrated on her breathing in hopes of stopping her shaking. She repeatedly counted from one to ten in her head. It took ten minutes for her shaking to recede.

"Okay?" he asked.

"Ok- okay," she gave a single strong nod of her head, staring past Finn at the door of Tixie's room.

Rae took a deep breath and counted twice more.

She wasn't _really_ sure what she had expected when she saw Tixie. Her mind pictured a battered and bruised face with scratches and gashes but it wasn't what lay on the bed before her. But it was just Tix. She looked weaker, sure, but otherwise her face wasn't marred nor was any other body part she could see damaged. Finn watched from the doorway, cautious to Rae's every move.

Rae walked slowly to Tix's beside. She was attached to a bunch of machines and wires. An IV drip in her forearm, a heart monitor beeping rhythmically, and a breathing tube around her ears and in her nose.

"Fuck, Tixie. I'm so sorry! I fucked up. I forgot about our dinner and now you're in here. I was so selfish. I went to a rave instead after fighting with mum. I completely forgot. I'm so sorry Tixie, please forgive me. Please wake up. Just wake up."

Rae was sobbing, covering her mouth with one hand trying to silence them whilst reaching behind her with her other; moving it around as if she were feeling for something.

Finn. She needed Finn.

He quickly made his way to her, taking ahold of the hand she was reaching with and pulling her to him. Her arms instantly went around his waist whilst his around her shoulders. She tucked her head into the crook of his neck as he rocked them side to side, his cheek pressed against her head.

"Shhh," Finn cooed into her ear. "It's going to be okay, Rae. Tixie will be fine; her body just has to heal."

They rocked back and forth until someone clearing their throat interrupted them. Rae pulled back from Finn and wiped her eyes to see Dr. Nick standing in the doorway.

"How are you doing, Rae?" he asked.

Finn rolled his eyes at the absurdity of the question.

"Any news?" Rae asked.

"We've had to put her on a feeding tube. We warned her the other day about it if she didn't eat or drink. She over-exercised and her heart couldn't take it. Dr. Gill told me you'd blame yourself but it wasn't you, Rae. We warned her about just this; it wasn't you," Dr. Nick said.

"When will she wake up?"

"She's stable right now, but it's never easy to tell when it comes to a coma."

Rae sighed.

"We'll let you know if she wakes up, Rae. It's still too soon to have any definitive answers; we are running tests right now. Until then, take care of yourself," Dr. Nick said.

Before he left he stopped at Rae and patted her shoulder, giving her a sympathetic smile. Finn gritted his teeth and shot him a murderous glare, what sounded like a growl escaped from him. Rae looked over at him, eyes wide. Why the hell did he do that? Finn shook his head, dismissing the action. He shouldn't be acting this way right now.

Rae's body tensed.

_If_. _If_ she wakes up. Rae never really came to the idea that there was a possibility she may never wake up. But she has to wake up!

Finn pulled her back to him again. "Rae, it wasn't your fault. The doctor just said that it wasn't your fault. Please don't blame yourself, Rae," he murmured into her hair.

She understood that it wasn't her directly but she still couldn't help but feel guilty. What if she ate last night? Would that have caused her to not collapse?

Rae took her backpack off her shoulders and pillaged through it before grabbing the hospital tag that Tixie'd given her before she left. She gently put it around Tixie's wrist before setting her hand back down on the bed.

"Do you want to stay?" Finn asked.

She turned around. "I want to check on Danny first. He's infatuated with Tix," Rae giggled sadly. "I want to see how he's doing."

"Lead the way," Finn said.

"I'll be back soon, Tix."

Ten minutes later they stood at Danny's door which was propped open. Danny lay in bed staring at the wall. He was heartbroken and you could see it in his face. She sighed and looked away from him, turning to Finn.

"Let's go home, yeah?" Rae just wanted to leave.

As they walked back to Chop's car Rae noticed her shoulder's felt lighter. Figuratively speaking, that is. Her friends didn't abandon her when she told them and she saw Tixie. Although her heart was heavy she was happier and felt less guilty. She smiled.

"Thank you for doing this, Finn," she said gratefully.

"Of course, Rae."

"Sorry for blabbering on and messing up your shirt."

Finn scoffed. "Rae, I don't give a shit about a shirt. I can wash a fucking shirt. However, I can't make it all disappear for you and that's what is what bothers me. I wish I had the power to just… make you _happy_." He threw his arms up in the air exasperatedly. "You fucking deserve to be happy," he said more quietly.

He scolded himself when he looked at Rae who had tears in her eyes. "Fuck, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm no with words. I'm no good with speaking. I muck it up all the time."

"No, Finn," she laughed. "I'm just overly emotional right now and that was the sweetest thing anyone's ever said."

"Oh…" Finn blushed, looking at the ground shyly.

When the car Finn stopped at the passenger side and opened the door.

"Finn, I'm not driving. I don't know how, you knob," she said.

"I was- I was holding the door open for you to get in," he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

This time Rae blushed. "You don't have to do that, Finn. I can very well open a door myself."

She stood in front of him before getting in the car. She hesitated a moment before leaning in and giving him a kiss on his cheek and then a hug around his middle.

"Thank you, Finn," she mumbled into his shoulder.

Finn squeezed her back and walked to the other side of his car and got in. Rae searched for another tape in the glove box as they started off.

She nearly dropped the tape she was holding when Finn spurted out a question.

"Why are you and Archie back together?"

"What are you talking about?" she was confused.

"I- I just don't get it. After what he did to you you're going to take him back?" Finn was suddenly angry.

"Finn, Archie's not my boyfriend."

"Then why did you kiss him?" he thumped his hand on the steering wheel.

"I was on drugs, Finn! We're just friends; best mates." Rae thought he sounded jealous. "You were busy snogging Chloe _without_ being high so I don't get why you're so angry at me."

Finn tensed in his seat. "You saw that?" he asked quieter this time.

Rae nodded tersely. "She's a lucky girl to have you. You really are quite the catch," she smiled at him whilst her heart broke.

"She doesn't have me, Rae," he laughed. "She pushed me away and said that I wasn't into it enough. Then she left and went to suck face with someone else. Before you showed up at the debrief this morning she said she was sorry and she didn't want to hurt me but she didn't think we'd be good together after all."

"Wow," Rae was shocked. "I'm so sorry."

"Why?"

"The girl you fancy kissed you and then blew you off for another guy. That must hurt."

Rae didn't understand why he wasn't acting angry at Chloe for that. Her own heart was completely shattered from just watching it happen, even without him kissing her first.

"I don't fancy Chloe."

What? Then why'd he kiss her? He noticed her confusion and continued.

"I wanted to make someone jealous, but I regretted it after it happened," he said simply, staring ahead at the road.

The pieces of Rae's shattered heart broke into even smaller bits but her curiosity was biting at her.

"Who?" she asked.

Finn took a deep breath before responding.

"You."

Finn's heart beat rapidly whereas Rae's stopped. She was not expecting _that_.

"I'm sorry?"

"I thought we were getting on great. I thought you knew I wanted you," he said as she choked in surprised. "I thought it was obvious." Rae shook her head quickly. "I wanted to dance with you but when I saw you… there you were kissing Archie." His hands tightened on the wheel. "I was jealous. So when Chloe kissed me I kissed her back. At the time I wanted you to see it, thinking that you'd maybe feel the same way that I did and get jealous. Later I went looking for you but couldn't find you. Didn't see you again until after at the debrief," he finished, looking at her sadly.

"Bet you're glad you didn't do anything before this morning then, huh? Before you found out I'm mad." she said pathetically.

"Piss off, Rae. Do you really think that would bother me? So what? I fancied you from the moment you put on Sabotage. Why would that make me love you any less?" he asked angrily. "Do you really think I'm that shallow?"

"Love?" Rae repeated timidly.

"Y-yeah," he whispered this time. "Rae… you're beautiful, smart, funny, you know your music… You're fucking amazing."

"You're not so bad yourself for a broody sod," Rae grinned at him.

"You deserve to be happy, Rae. Can we give us a try?"

She reached for Finn's hand that hovered over the gearshift and entwined their fingers.

"Doesn't it make me selfish? Tixie's in a coma, I forgot about the dinner last night… I can't help but feel guilty," she said staring at their hands.

Finn squeezed his hand forcing Rae to look at him.

"No. Tixie isn't in the coma because of you; it wasn't your fault. Stop blaming yourself for something that isn't in your control. Her body couldn't take it, Rae. You're not selfish. You are the most caring person who has gone through shit in the past and is recovering. You need to _be_ selfish right now," he was quiet for a moment. "So, what do you say?"

Rae let out a sigh before responding.

"I say we stop and get lunch," she smiled.

Finn grinned back at her.

"Lunch date it is."


End file.
